(Note: The following is a true account of the online melee between America’s 4pm sweethearts)

It was an all-out brawl last month when four of the nation’s most popular talk show hosts tapped gloves to begin the online sparring match for the title of April’s daytime Big Mama. As expected, Oprah weighed in heavily, at just under 1.5 million (individuals visiting her site), while Rachael was sitting pretty at 550K; Ellen and Tyra were relative lightweights at a paltry 300K and 400K.

The ring exploded into a veritable four-way furor as the ladies [BAM] bobbed and weaved [SMACK] for the top standing.

Rachael had an impressive showing of skill, outpacing the competition for most time spent with nearly 15 years of collective viewership (no doubt due to the reams of recipes she has archived - cheater), though Oprah held strong [POP] with over 10 million pages viewed, followed by Rachel (at 9 million) who surpassed Ellen’s 6.5 million. Tyra, a distant 2.5 million, [GADONK] got pummeled.

In a surprising turn, the power player title went to a short but scrappy Ellen , who best engages her online audience.

Despite coming up short in absolute measurements, she boasts incredible specialized stats: her average visitors will look at about 22 pages, 6 more than Rachel, and 15 more than those over at Oprah, and she matches Rachel for about 13 minutes per visitor, despite a full 8-year difference between them in absolute time spent. Oprah’s time? About 4.5 minutes, the lowest average [CRASH].

Let’s go to Bruce Slater for some ring-side commentary: “Thanks, Don. In this YouTube age of the internet, such a discrepancy can be attributed to a common weak spot that Ellen seems to overcome: a lack of video media. On Oprah’s site, the absence is palpable, with only a few show previews available and almost no actual clips (those are reserved for the cable-only “After the Show” portion, not included for this daytime match-up). And given that Ellen’s online audience is most likely to return to the site in a given month, perhaps comedic features have more online value than the dramatic ones. Back to you, Don.”

And there you have it. True, these ladies fight for the almighty ratings, and Oprah’s decades-spanning show has earned its dominance. Yet Ellen’s novel media-oriented online model has induced uncommon viewership behavior that may soon spillover to the television rankings. A short review of the final numbers can be found below.

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